Why Can the Holidays be so Hard?

Sometimes what some say is the happiest time of the year can be the hardest time of the year for others. Some people may be feeling eager expectations for the holidays as they look forward to all of the festivities, traditions, and celebrations. They genuinely love this time of year. But for others, the holidays are the hardest time of the year. They are not something to be celebrated and happily awaited, but something that is dreaded and endured. If they could cancel them altogether they would, and they may find themselves doing whatever they can to just make it past this season. If you find yourself resonating with the latter, please know you are not alone.

You Have Your Reasons

There could be any number of reasons why you have come to dread the holidays. Some of the top reasons that I see in my office are anniversaries of difficult events and increased interactions with family. Our culture assumes that the holidays have a positive association for everyone, meaning that when you think of the holidays you think of happy thoughts. But this is simply not true for many people. If you experienced a life-altering accident around the holidays, the death of a loved one, being let go from a job, facing uncertainty about housing or income, or anything that overwhelmed you and left you feeling alone, the holidays can be colored by these events. Rather than feeling joy, you might find yourself pulled right back into the hard thoughts and feelings of those past events, even if they happened years ago.

Or, maybe the holidays have never been happy for you. Instead, they have been a time of having to navigate all of the family obligations that you would rather not be a part of at all. You see in all of the advertisements and movies that holidays are for happy family gatherings and heart-warming traditions, but that is not your experience. For you, the holidays are a painful reminder of what you don’t have. Maybe even what you never had: a loving family that truly enjoys one another. You would like to speak your mind and tell your family just how messed up it is that they expect you to play along in their game of pretending they are a normal, happy family when that could not be farther from the truth. You have thought about not showing up for the holidays at all. But you know things would be even worse if you did any of these things, and so you dread the time you will have to spend with them over the holidays and simply hope to make it to the New Year.

Or maybe you do love the holidays, but this year things are different. Maybe you will be away from the people you love. Or maybe you have lost someone close to you who used to make the holidays special for you. Perhaps you are not where you wanted to be in life and the holidays this year are a painful reminder of your failures and shortcomings. Perhaps you have been hit by the recent string of layoffs and now your future feels anything but bright. You thought your celebrations would look so much different than how they are materializing. This isn’t how you ever imagined your holiday could be. Instead of feeling cheerful and warm, you feel cold and distant from the celebrations you have loved for so long.

The Holidays ARE Hard

Whether the holidays have been hard for as long as you can remember, or if things have only taken that turn this year, being in a space where you dread what the world tells you should be celebrated is hard. It is painful to see so many happy people in commercials, shows, and movies spending time doing things they enjoy with people they love. It is hard to go to any store because the Christmas displays are everywhere - there simply is no avoiding them. You are constantly bombarded with decorations, toys, gifts, candies, treats, and anything and everything that can be made festive. And if part of what makes holidays difficult is an unease with your own body, good luck navigating that among the abundance of holiday foods everywhere. Even driving down the street you might see cars with reindeer antlers or a wreath on the front. No matter where you go, the holidays are there. It can be overwhelming.

For months you can’t catch a break from it all. Maybe you do what you can to avoid it, but even a trip to your favorite coffee shop forces you to be confronted with holly, wreaths, ornaments, and likely Christmas music too. At times all of this might have you feeling like you are going crazy. Why does it bother you so much? Why can’t you just be happy like everyone else seems to be? Why do you have to be such a Scrooge this time of year? Will things ever get better for you? It is not easy to be faced with the holidays themselves, and when you add this type of thinking things get even harder.

What you are facing around the holidays is real. You are not going crazy. In fact, I want you to hear that it is ok that you do not enjoy the holidays. It is ok, even, that you dislike them, or even hate them. The assumption that everyone loves the holidays simply misses the mark. Yes, there are a lot of people who do love and enjoy holidays, but there are also a lot of people who do not. And that is perfectly normal and perfectly ok. It is even ok if you don’t like the holidays and you don’t even have a reason or at least not a reason that other people deem as a “good enough” one. The fact is that humans are complicated, and things like the holidays are anything but simply a good thing. They are a mix of good and bad things all melded together. A mix of happy and hard times all rolled into one. After all, there would be no Rudolf's comeback story if he hadn’t been bullied and excluded for being different in the first place.

We Are Doing You a Disservice

By overlooking the fact that the holidays can be complicated and painful, our culture closes the door to your experience. It tells you that you are not welcome to participate unless you can put on a happy face. It says that there is something wrong with you if you do not or cannot. It says that you are the problem. But our culture has it all wrong. The problem is not that you feel the way that you do, the problem is that you are told you should feel differently. By not leaving room for your experience we make ours shallow and inauthentic. But you already know that, that’s another reason why you hate all the holiday hullabaloo: it’s all so forced and fake. You can’t have joy without sorrow, happiness without sadness, pleasure without pain. Nothing can be all sunshine and rainbows, or in this case, holly and candy canes.

I wish I could say that things will be different this year, that they will be better. I would love to be able to say that our culture has grown and we are making room for your experience this year, that you won’t be made to feel like an outcast if you do not join in on the holiday love. But, sadly, I doubt that is true. Things will probably be the same as before. The holidays will be a challenge to navigate, not only due to the constant barrage of music and decor but also because of people’s expectations that you enjoy it all. I wish I could give you a magical list of things to do that would make the holidays easy this year. Or something to say that would get everyone off your back. But you’ve probably heard that all before. Maybe it was helpful, and maybe not.

I don’t want to promise you an answer that may not help in the way you want it to. But I do want to tell you that you are not alone. I want you to know, and hopefully believe just a little more fully, that it really is ok for you to experience the holidays just as you are. It is ok to be unthankful on Thanksgiving, not at all happy at Hanukkah, and anything but merry on Christmas (ok, I’m sorry, that was cheesy, but hopefully you get my point). I hope there is a space for you to show up just as you are this holiday season. Even if that space is alone on your couch where you want the most unfestive movies you can think of and order yourself a pizza, I hope you find it. In the midst of all of the holiday craziness, I hope that you can make time for things that you enjoy. Having respite from everything else is important. You know the things that work for you - lean into them during this season. And give yourself permission to say no when you need to.

Need More?

If you find yourself needing a bit more support to get through this season, that’s ok too. Therapy can be a space just for that. It is a place for you to come as you are and not have to hide or cover up how you are feeling. It is a place for you to let yourself be honest about how you are doing. A place to show up with those feelings that others tell you to stuff far away. It is a place where it is safe to say that the holidays are not for you and that you would much prefer to just sit them out this year. If you need a space like this, please reach out. I would love to help you get started on your therapy journey.