Grief and the Importance of Making Space
I had originally planned to write on something much different for this month, but so much has happened in this past week alone that grief seemed like a better place to start. Listing just a few of the atrocities that we have seen lately, including the Uvalde school shooting, multiple mass shootings over Memorial Day weekend, and the ongoing war in Ukraine, already makes my heart heavy. So, today I want to focus on grief and the importance of making space.
Summer is officially starting, and if you are like me, you would much rather overlook all of the hard stuff going on right now and spend your energy on happier things. Like the days being longer, the weather being nicer, and having more hours to spend with people you love. Yet, heaviness hangs with you like a blanket you cannot shake off. The sadness lingers even though you try not to give it any thought.
When our world is turned upside down by events that happen to us, around us, or even 3,000 miles away, it demands our attention. The questions, fears, doubts, sadness, and anger cannot be ignored. But what do we do when we have been fed the lie that happiness and joy are the only feelings that are good? Anything else can seem scary and overwhelming, making us want to push them far, far away. We like to stuff these feelings so deep that we fool ourselves into thinking they are no longer there.
Grief, in particular, is one emotion many prefer to skip over. It can be uncomfortable to feel sad and to lose hope. It can also be the case that we feel that our experience does not justify such a response: after all, someone else has had it worse than us. Or so we tell ourselves. Yet, the grief is there inside, and we are left wondering what to do with it.
One thing we can do is invite ourselves to acknowledge how we are feeling. Taking some time to be honest about all of what we are feeling can be difficult and scary, but it can be so rewarding too. By going against our normal tendency to ignore feelings like grief, sadness, anger, and fear, we can learn more about what is going on inside of us. When I am working with clients, I often prompt them to notice and be curious about their emotions. Simple curiosity can help us learn so much.
Acknowledging what we are feeling helps us make space for those emotions. When we make space for them, we are no longer stuffing them deep down inside or ignoring them. The truth is that all of our emotions need our time and attention, not just joy and happiness. Every one of them has important lessons to share with us. Our sadness reminds us that what was lost was dear to us, our anger tells us when something is not right, and our fear reminds us to watch out for ourselves and others.
When we are grieving a loss we are faced with many emotions at once. Making space for these emotions helps us remember that it is ok to feel the way we are feeling. That in itself is so powerful. Letting your feelings, every single one of them, be ok. It is not always easy work, but it can make such a difference. Feeling sad is ok. Feeling angry is ok. Feeling afraid is ok. Whatever you are feeling, it is ok to feel that way. You don’t have to push it down.
Sometimes all a feeling needs is a bit of your attention. Other times it might need more from you. Perhaps your sadness wants you to reflect on what feels meaningful to you. Maybe your anger needs to speak up and say that something is not ok. Making space and being curious can help you learn what your feelings might need. This in turn allows you to take care of yourself with kindness.
So, I invite you to take a moment to notice how you feel. I invite you to make space for those scary emotions. As you do, know that how you are feeling is truly ok. And, if you need someone to help you be present with how you are feeling, please reach out. Therapy is a space to do just that! All of your feelings are welcome just as they are.
